He rips off his skin and is really a cockroach. I hear a voice in my head, it says, "You are in hot water now mortal, fear the bite of the cocka-roach."

"Not so fast, Lord Shmue!" I cry, surfing through the air on the back of a small jet. I grab the evil cockaroach, strap 'im to the jet, spring off and send him flying into the sun.
"Nice work, gents! With the manager defeated, we can fight to our heart's content! And speaking of fighting..."
I trip Ren over and curb-stomp him until his skull fragments. Then I walk over to Mario, pick him up by the head and break his neck.

I'm a bit annoyed about my broken neck, but I decide to fashion a new one out of the chicken's skin (the damn creature has finally, finally died). Unfortunately basic human physiology decides I should be dead, so I reluctantly die.

I come back and see the manager's cockroach form. I laugh hard, as he is the same size as any normal cockroach. I then proceed to grab a dog from the pet section, rip out its teeth and stab sam in the eyes with them. That'll teach him.

Feeling sorry for the poor puppy, I strangle mario. With a snake.

For such a nice strangle, I pat you on the back, with a chainsaw.

Ren doesn't realise the puppy can grow extra teeth, and feels no pain. The puppy proceeds to grow said teeth, but it's still annoyed that I attacked it. It leaps up and tries to bite me, but accidentally kills the snake instead. I stroke it and its attempts to butcher me halt. I rush and grab a bag of ham, rip it open and dangle it near the puppy. I say "KILL HIM!", pointing at Ren. Knowing it'll get the ham if it does, the puppy leaps at Rem and begins malling him.

EDIT: Ninja'd. Still, this post works.

Angrypants' chainsaw kills me and the puppy.

I look at the puppy's lifeless body and cry. I force the chainsaw out of Angrypants's hands and rip the skin of his hands.

I, panicking at my newfound blindness, whip out the old hairspray-flamethrower and spin around in a circle while igniting things.

I fortunately was standing back when sam started burning everything. I knew what to do. It was to be my destiny. I...ran the hell away.

Unfortunately for Mario, he wasn't expecting me to respawn in front of him. I trip him, and he falls over a ledge, down to the first floor, where he lands face first and splatters all over the place.

I respawn inside a candy store and make a giant bubblegum. I then shove it down Pm0n3y's throat, suffocating him.

I respawn at the perfect vantage point. While Ren is busy with Pm0n3y, I get behind him and strangle him to death. Pm0n3y is just about dead, but I finish him off with a brutal stamp on his head.

"Hey, Mario! Come jump on me, unless you're too inadequate for the Princess's affections!" I yell. Mario, consumed with "Plumber Rage", leaps at me. Little beknownst to him, I had recently strapped some barbed wire to a bike helmet, and swiftly I put it on. Mario's feet are pierced and he is stuck to the helmet. I take this opportunity to set fire to his clothes with my lighter.

I casually rip my feet away in agony and take off my clothes. My nude body is too much for sam, who drops to the floor. I grab a baseball bat from the sports section and decide it is time to cricketerise him...

Unfortunately I spontaneously combust. Fire spreads across the whole place and I die.

(Gotta go now. Have fun killing each-other in RP world)

*walks in with psbot* me:"uhhh..."psbot:"statement. don't even ask,meatbag"

After respawning from the gum suffocation, i collect my swords and walk around, seeing that everyone's taking a break.

I come out of the hardware store to get some pretzels.

*plays mortal kombat with psbot* "fatality!player 2 wins" fucking hell your cheating i know it "retort:your just mad cause you got pwned" then explain the fatality at the beginning of the first round"statement uhhh....your human brain wouldn't understand"

As I continue searching for someone to fight, I see what apears to be Mario on fire. Dismissing this as raving insanity, I instead turn to the person standing near the burnt body. He apears to be real, so I charge towards him swinging my Hobo bag of death.

Eh? Why's there a cockroach on the floor?

I pick it up, and kick it on the manager's corpse for the sheer hell of it.

Due to these annoying time paradoxes, the manager comes back to life, 50 feet tall, and takes his face mask off, revealing that he is really the crocodile-headed egyptian god, Sobek!

DUN DUN DUN!

"I thought I killed you in Oblivion!" I shout.

"Nearly, but not enough. Time to send you back!" Muhahahahaha!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Thunder is heard around the mall. A giant figure appears, holding Sir in his hand. I respawn next to the hardware store, go inside, and start thinking what I could use to kill an Egyptian god.

*wearing a Ra costume on stilts* STOP SOBEK!

"father!? forgive me" he bows

hmm... i got an ancient god of death under my control what shall i do?

Before he can use Sobek at his will, I impale EMB with a spike, killing him.

""Glass" to see you, Ren!" I say, expanding my dictionary of non-sensical puns, before planting a shard of broken glass in the back of Ren's neck.

I wake up in Oblivion, opposite some black elf guy.

He continuously annoys me, so I decide to fashion my wrist irons into wrist knives, and grab the Portal gun out of my saddlebag, which I use o go to his side and assassinate him.

I then hear footsteps in the distance - must be the guards. I decide to assassinate them all, starting with that twat in the purple cloak.

After doing that, I feel as if I've messed up something important, like a main quest.

I shrug and leave to go about my daily life in the imperial city, assassinating everyone who I see.

It's a good life.

Unfortunately for sam, puns are frowned upon in the mall. The shard of glass cuts through his fingers and he dies of infection.

Yes, immediately.

Owch, that'll teach me to play with my words...
I respawn on a skateboard at the top of a long flight of stairs, surrounded by a group of cheering teenagers. Scared by all the noise, I flip off the skateboard and beat all of them to death with it, before taking a yo-yo and a phone from their leader.

I killed some woman in her sleep, pushed her off the bed and slept in it.

Suddenly, this wierdo called 'Lucien Lachance' came and told me to go to Cheydinhal and join the Assassin's Guild.

"Sounds good," I say, while impulsively stabbing him.

I then shrug, and go to Cheydinal. Hey, it'll be better than this ghost town (I've killed literally everyone here).

I pick up a metal pipe from the hardware store and start beating people with it.

Ah, finally I arrive in Cheydinal.

Sooo... assassin's guild...

Oh. It turns out I assassinated everyone I needed to on the way here.

Ah well - wait, what's this? Orders? To kill everyone in the dark brotherhood?

*looks up from letter*

*Ticks 'mission complete' box with Argonian's blood*

I go down to the mall's basement and see some kind of red fiery portal. Since I am extremely careful, I pick up the pipe and enter.

"Bryghtside! Wake up!" I say, slapping him in the face. "You've been asleep for almost two days! Also, this!" I cry, smashing him over the head with my skateboard and garroting him with that yo-yo I stole.

I press 'R', and suddenly go into third person view in the mall. I try to wake myself up, but can't. However I seem to have control over my arms, so I knock sam out with his skateboard and bring him with me to Oblivion.

"Hmmm... this place could sure use a better decorator. Oh, that short yellowish creature with large ears and sharp claws must be some kind of guide."